Is it a mistake to enter into a serious relationship with a person with serious psychological problems?

TheFairlaner, I'm sorry about your loss. No one should have to face what you and your wife have faced.

A few years ago, I became very emotionally close with someone. She had many virtues, and she appreciated things about me that I thought no one else around me really understood. And, just as in your case, I noticed some very odd behavior from the beginning, but it was not until we became close that I saw how the extreme the situation was. She was very deeply traumatized and increasingly made suicidal, self-harming, and even violent gestures. When I tried to talk with my friend candidly about this, she became very abusive. I had to separate myself physically from my friend and cease contact, but I never stopped caring. Although my friends and family want me to forget about it, I still find myself worrying that my friend isn't getting the help she needs and that she may once again do something extreme to hurt herself or someone else physically.

Sometimes I ask myself whether it would have been better if I ceased contact before the symptoms became so severe. What I do know is that it's terrible to feel completely alone in such a situation -- to face something like this, with other people not knowing about it or not caring. I think this is an issue that needs to be discussed.

Your initial observation about your wife was correct. I don't know why you doubted your own assessment. Yes, it was a mistake to continue involvement with your wife because you did this knowingly at this point in time. You seem like a competent thinker. I wonder what you were letting hold you back from making the correct choice. Your wife is responsible for her own psychological problems. You claim your were had good qualities, it seems at some time she might have misrepresented herself. After your wife's gradually started revealing her true state and good qualities vanished love from you would hardly be possible only pity-compassion.

legendre007; Thank you. And I completely agree, it's necessary to be able to talk about this. "Suffering in silence" is just about the worst thing you can do. Fortunately, I have excellent friends and family, both my own and my inlaws, who have been incredibly understanding and supportive. I'm sorry to hear that you may not. If you ever want feel the need to talk about it, feel free to email me at 68newyorker@gmail.com.

To both you and Ragnar Weskar;

I feel there may be some inaccurate assumptions here. Understandable as my question is really lacking in information (I wanted to keep it as direct as possible).

Danie (my wife) never misrepresented herself. She was honest about her issues (which included a moderate depression, self-injurous behavior, extremely poor self esteem, anxiety) right from the first date. She understood that these were problems, not just another way of being, and was working to get better via therapy. She also had a suprisingly keen grasp of philosophic and political issues given that she was by no means well read. She was very intelligent, very ambitious and had a clear idea of where she wanted her life to go (she wanted to be a teacher).

My initial assessment was; she definitely has issues but she is honest about them and trying to correct them and has a good sense of where she wants to be. Here is someone fighting to lead a good life. This is on top of all the smaller, day to day things we had in common; similar sense of humor, a tendency to "pick a direction and drive", love of all things tech, love of the ocean, etc.

We dated for 3 years and she was improving. Her confidence was getting better, her self image was not so starkly horrible. She had started at an online college to gain her teachers degree and our life together was getting steadily better. We got married and moved to California which was where she wanted to live. I'm an Air Force brat and did a 4 year tour in the Army. I've never really felt bound to one place and was fine with going where she wanted.

The first 2 years in Cali were pretty great. I had been able to move with my job. She pretty quickly found a paraeducator position under a great teacher who became her mentor. Money was a bit tight but, otherwise, things were going pretty well. And then it was like a switch went off in her head. All of her progress was suddenly lost. She began hallucinating and descended into major depression. Now I want to be very clear, she KNEW what was happening to her and was still fighting (she didn't stop until the last month before her suicide). Unfortunately, she just seemed to get worse and, ultimately had to quit her job (a major blow, by the way). With the half of our income gone we had to move back to Utah.

Over the final four years or so (the timeline isn't perfectly clear in my mind), we tried everything; medication, therapy, multiple hospitalizations, even electroshock therapy at one point. Nothing ever really helped. In the end, I don't think she made a clear decision to end her life. She was hospitalized at the time and she hid and manipulated her way into a position where she could do it.

I think an important, false assumption that people make about psychological issues is that they are reflective of poor thinking, irrationality, etc. Certainly in some cases they are. But in many cases, including Danie's, you're looking at the effects of a disease. There's really no doubt in mind that Danie was not just being irrational;she was sick. Although Danie was never genetically tested, her sister, who suffers from bi-polar disorder (under control via medication), was and came back as positive for several genetic markers for psychological disorders. While it manifested differently I have no doubt that Danie had the same sort of genetic factors. It is also important to keep in mind that mental illness is often a manageable problem if the right treatments can be found. We were unable to do so in Danie's case but there was no guarantee that this would be the result.

Now, as to leaving Danie after her depression and psychosis cranked into high gear, as it were; no way. I thought about it, certainly. Who wouldn't? The last two years in particularly could be really hellish. I could not have done so anymore than I could have left her in the middle of a fight with cancer or any other illness; she was not evil. She was sick. And more than that, I wanted my wife. My partner, lover, best friend. And I was willing to throw everything into that.

So why will I never do it again? Two big reasons. One, it really sucked towards the end and that final few days watching her die in the hospital was the worst thing I've ever gone through by far. I can't even imagine anything worse. The prospect of my own death pales by comparison. That's just the end. Words fail here. If you're imagining how bad it would be, it's worse than that.

And two, I'm 43. That's not old, by any means, but it is about halfway through based on the stats. I don't have time to waste.

Maybe that all will put the question in a slightly different light, maybe it won't. I'm interested in whatever comments anyone has.